tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC May 17, 2012 12:35am-1:35am EDT
♪ don't let me die got nothing left ♪ ♪ don't let me die girl don't let me die girl don't let me die ♪ ♪ i'm holding on to these memories that's the only way that i'll survive ♪ ♪ my biggest fear got the best of me yeah ♪ ♪ 'cause i should have put down my pride oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ooh baby oh oh oh ♪ ♪ feels like i'm holding my breath don't let me die girl ♪ ♪ can't keep holding my breath don't let me die baby baby don't let me ♪
♪ don't let me die girl don't let me die girl don't let me die ♪ ♪ don't let me die girl don't let me die girl don't let me die baby baby don't let me ♪ ♪ don't let me die girl don't let me die girl don't let me die whoo ♪ ♪ don't let me die girl don't let me die girl don't let me die don't let me go ♪ ♪ don't let me die girl don't let me die girl don't let me die don't let me die baby ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: bobby brown! nice job, man. >> how you doing, brother? >> jay: nice job. nice job.
i want to thank my guests -- joel mchale, jarod miller. of course, bobby brown. tomorrow night, hugh laurie will be here. but jimmy fallon's happening right now. jimmy, take it. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ah, thank you, thank you very much. i feel the love! thank you so much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. we have fun tonight. [ cheers ] hey, here's some 2012 election news. a new poll found that mitt romney is actually ahead of president obama among female voters. which explains obama's new slogan, "i'm barack obama and i love '50 shades of grey.'" [ cheers and applause ] love it. speaking of mitt romney there are reports that he may attend the london olympics this summer. yeah, romney's psyched to watch wrestling because it's the only place where someone changes positions more than he does. [ laughter and applause ] that's good. some tech news. i read about a new app that tells your facebook friends if you're not following your diet. [ laughter ]
of course, your friends could always figure it out the other way by looking at your photos on facebook. [ laughter ] yeah. you're not sticking to your diet, are you, gary? [ applause ] i just tagged -- i just tagged your chin in three photos. [ laughter ] also, this is cool. tonight facebook screened the classic movie "casablanca" online. of course in the facebook version the last line is, "louis, i think this is a beginning of a beautiful friendship -- [ click ] accept. [ laughter ] that's my bogart. that's the best bogart i could do. [ applause ] it's awful. hey i just saw this. there's a new online reality show premiering this summer called "the mormon bachelor." yeah. [ scattered applause ] yeah, "the mormon bachelor." at the start of the show the bachelor dates 25 contestants and by the end he's married 25 contestants. [ laughter ] you're on the edge of your seat going, what order are they going to get married in? [ applause ]
listen to this, you guys. yesterday abc unveiled this new slogan, "why just watch when you can steal?" [ laughter ] doesn't sound like abc's slogan. that sounds like something john travolta would say to his masseuse. [ audience ohs ] [ as travolta ] why just look right. i can't believe this -- [ laughter ] this is too hot, right? too hot. this is pretty interesting, you guys. swedish researchers have discovered a new species of fish. not to be outdone, gummy researchers have discovered a new species of bear. [ laughter ] i got jokes for kids. i got everything. the whole family can have a good laugh. finally, you guys, police in kansas are looking for a man who walked out of a music store with a guitar shoved down his pants. [ laughter ] yeah.
people became suspicious when they saw some dude picking his g-string. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight, you guys! give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow! hey, everybody. we have "thank you notes 2" coming out may 22nd. [ cheers and applause ] you can pre-order it at barnesandnoble.com or amazon.com. it's gonna be a fun one, so check that one out. we have an awesome show tonight. one of the stars of "battleship," a gigantic summer action movie that's in theaters this friday, may 18th. taylor kitsch is here. [ cheers and applause ] ladies love taylor kitsch. starring in the new hbo series "veep," tony hale is dropping by! [ cheers and applause ] ladies love tony hale as well. and we have standup from a very
funny guy making his tv debut, joe machi is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] it's gonna be fun. as you guys know, we're always striving to get better here at "late night." ♪ harder better faster stronger ♪ [ laughter ] so before every show we put out a suggestion box to the audience just to get some feedback about what you guys think of the show, things you'd like to see us do. that kind of stuff. tonight, let's look inside the audience suggestion box. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ looking through the box suggestion box ♪ >> jimmy: all right. here we go. this first one is from mike smith. mike, you out there? great. [ laughter ] mike says, "jimmy, can you finally tell us who's on the other end of that tin can phone at your desk?" that's true. i do. i have this tin can phone here on my desk. been here since i started and believe it or not, i have no idea who's on the other end. let's find out.
hello? hello? >> in greece tonight, no deal for the political parties trying to form a coalition government after no one won a majority in that country's election earlier this month. >> jimmy: hello? hello? hello is anyone there? >> new elections will be held in june -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i guess no one's on the other end. all right. let's do another one here. next suggestion is from annie lincoln. she says, "jimmy i love eminem in the movie "8 mile." can you show us what it would be like if he were a bad rapper." you want to see eminem as a bad rapper. that won't be easy. but, okay. here you go. ♪ ♪ some of these funky rock can be a headache so i got to take a pill ♪ ♪ and when i take a pill i take advil ♪ ♪ whoa, that was an accidental rock y'all know about advil ♪ ♪ but i can't swallow pills so i crush them up in applesauce ♪
♪ advil and applesauce advil and applesauce advil and what ♪ ♪ applesauce [ applause ] >> jimmy: advil and applesauce. advil and applesauce. he can't swallow pills. he has to crush them up in applesauce. [ laughter ] oh, man. we have a suggestion here from chris delancey. it says, "hey jimmy, a lot of times i notice the outline of people's wallets through their pants. you should have someone sing a song about that." yeah, i notice that, too. when you see someone's wallet through their pants, and actually there is a song about it. it's by a group called two fun men. so now here to sing the song about seeing people's wallets through their pants, two fun men! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you can see our wallet through our pants through the pant
pocket of our pants ♪ ♪ you can see our wallets through the pants pocket you can see our wallet through our pants ♪ ♪ now we dance ♪ ♪ ♪ you can see our wallet you can see our wallet you can see our wallet through our ♪ ♪ one, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight nine, ten, eleven twelve, pants ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: two fun men, everybody! ♪ they got dizzy walking out, i think. this one's from rasheed vaughn. said, "hey, jimmy, i heard there's this crazy mind reader
who can guess the number you're thinking of with just three guesses. you should have him on." you know what? i have heard about this guy. his name is the great benito. and he does this great show in vegas. but we have him here tonight. so give it up for the great benito, everybody! ♪ [ applause ] seems like he's already started to guess. the great benito, you can guess the number i'm thinking in just three guesses. >> yes, yes, that's right. >> jimmy: okay. let's try it. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: okay. ♪ >> first -- think of a number between one and three. [ laughter ] have you got it? >> jimmy: i got it. [ laughter ] >> is it one? [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: no, it's not. >> is it two? >> jimmy: not two, no. [ suspenseful music ] [ laughter ] >> three? >> jimmy: that's right. that's correct. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] the great benito, everybody. the great benito. >> do you have any food backstage? >> jimmy: very good. the great benito. >> do you have any food backstage? i'm very hungry. >> jimmy: okay, thank you so much. probably. i don't know. >> can a brother get a wheatabix around here? >> jimmy: there he is. wheatabix? not even american. [ laughter ] guy's good. he's talented, man. this one is from shaheim staley. "hey jimmy, i love reality tv, but because of reasons i'd rather not have discussed on tv i missed the last week of shows. can you have tariq do a musical summary of what was i've
missed?" well, everybody knows that tariq trotter from the roots is the biggest reality tv fan there is. [ cheers and applause ] tariq, would you mind catching us up on what we missed? >> yes, jimmy. i think you're saying you'd like to slow jam this news. [ laughter ] >> one, two, three! >> check it out. ♪ yo, flo rida rocked with juliet simms on "the voice" ♪ ♪ but jermaine paul was named the next winner of 100,000 reasons ♪ ♪ i believe he could buy a lot a tissue 'cause he's mr. i believe i can cry ♪ ♪ i believe he'll survive but "survivor" reached the bottom line ♪ ♪ they voted kim queen of the island seven out of nine ♪ ♪ "american idol" was not as kind to hollie cavanagh hell, no ♪ ♪ they told her she'd run out of time she told the public hey i can't make you love ♪ ♪ me, but it's truly been a dream like a vacation for me by the age 20 she'll be making ♪ ♪ clay aiken money trump eliminated aubrey she's too fake and funny for "celebrity apprentice" ♪ ♪ she's finished what more
can i say, it just wasn't her o'day ♪ ♪ no we cut away to "agt" and howie mandel truly disappearing then this magician ♪ ♪ starts strippin' off what he's wearing and howard stern's straight disses sharon ♪ ♪ and ozzy osbourne breaks out into dance i was just embarassed ♪ ♪ he should have studied maria and derek, instead of "dancing with the stars" ♪ ♪ he was dancing like he couldn't hear it ♪ >> jimmy: oh, well, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] that's riq's reality wrap up, everybody oh, my gosh. and that one slow jammed the news. here's our last suggestion right here. the last suggestion in the box. here's from erica winters. "hey, jimmy, i'm a huge fan of '90s r&b like johnny gill and keith sweat. since summer's almost here, can you have that r&b singer kenneath on to sing his summer love song 'bumper cars'?" erica, of course we can. ladies and gentlemen. here to sing his summer anthem "bumper cars" give it up for '90s r&b star, kenneath. ♪
>> hello! give the ladies some flowers. ♪ life is like a carnival and our love is the bumper cars ♪ ♪ the cars that go bump, bump, bump in the night ♪ ♪ bump, bump, bump in the night ♪ ♪ the seat belt doesn't work so good and they don't they don't steer so well ♪ ♪ but sparks are flying from my pole i might hit you from behind ♪ ♪ girl, let's play bumper cars electric sparks will fly ♪ ♪ girl, let's play bumper cars and i'll hit from you behind girl ♪ >> let's go! let's go. get outta here.
>> jimmy: that is all the time we have for "audience suggestion box." when we come back, taylor kitsch, everybody! come on. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ agents, when it comes to insurance, ople feel lost. that's a dead end. don't know which way to turn. this way. turn around. [ woman ] that's why we present people with options to help them find coverage that fits their needs. almost there. whoo! yay! good work. that's a new maze record. really? i have no idea. we don't keep track of that kind of stuff. well, you should. [ male announcer ] we are insurance. ♪ we are farmers ♪ bum, ba-da-bum, bum, bum, bum ♪ olive garden's bringing during the taste of tuscany starting at just $10.95. try our new chicken with tortelloni or grilled sausage with orecchiette then pick two tuscan extras. like a bruschetta. and roasted asparagus. the taste of tuscany at olive garden.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest this evening rose to fame on the tv series "friday night lights," and now he's landing leads in big studio action movies like the new summer action blockbuster, "battleship," which opens in the u.s. this friday, may 18th. let's take a look at this thing. [ machine noises ] >> jimmy: please welcome to the show taylor kitsch, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
taylor kitsch, how are you, my friend? >> i'm pretty good. >> jimmy: welcome to the show. >> is this mine? >> jimmy: yeah, sure. you can keep it. you can keep anything out here, yeah. you want this? yeah, take it. >> really? sweet. >> jimmy: how are you, buddy? >> i'm great. i'm loving new york. loving new york. been here -- well, i studied here. and then, it's good to be back. kind of very full circle. >> jimmy: you live in austin? >> i live in austin, texas now, yeah. [ cheers ] some austinites. >> jimmy: is that tough to live in -- like, why do you live in austin when all the, you know, the business is in l.a. or new york? >> well, i'm fortunate enough to be at a spot now that, if they really want you, they'll bring you in. and, i mean, i struggled in new york, and i lived in l.a. for a while, but, i mean, i shot "fnl" there for, like, five years. >> jimmy: "friday night lights." >> yeah, "friday night lights." >> jimmy: you were amazing. come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: riggins, come on, man. that was awesome. that was great.
it's an interesting story about how you got that part. >> it is, actually. i was in vancouver, and i -- yeah. no matter where i say -- >> jimmy: no. if you keep mentioning locations, there's people out there. yeah, they'll clap. >> so, i was in vancouver. >> jimmy: shoutout to the couv, by the way. >> yeah, the couv. no? van city. [ scattered applause ] so, i was in vancouver and i actually read -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: vancouver's fantastic. it is a great place. >> and i read for street, actually. >> jimmy: did you really? >> i did, and i put in kind of -- i wouldn't say a half-ass, but i was excited. i wanted to read for riggs. they come at me a week later. they're, like -- it was a thursday and they're, like, "you've got to e-mail a read over by 2:00." and that was, like, in the morning. >> jimmy: what does that mean -- e-mail a read? >> well, i had to put it on tape and e-mail it because they didn't have time for the tape to even get there. that's how tight it was for the casting. right? crazy. so i put it -- and it's a pretty, like -- it was like i brought in a cooler. and it was just -- i had this whole set-up. and it was a texas forever
speech that he has in the pilot. and so i do this speech, and pete loved it. pete berg, who -- >> jimmy: peter berg, oh yeah. he's great. >> created the show. >> jimmy: great director. >> yeah, and he came in, or he called me down to l.a. got to l.a. sunday, and then i'm in this board room, and about to test for it, basically. and i didn't know pete's process. he loves the improv. and there's another guy across the table from me, and he asked me he's, like, "who you coming in for?" i'm, like, "a guy named tim riggins." and he goes, "what?" and i'm like, "yeah, i'm going in for tim riggins." so basically, long story short, i went in and pete comes in, and we do improv for 30 minutes in this board room. he was an espn reporter. and the guy that was across the table from me was the only guy in for riggins, so he thought it was a formality -- that he already had it. >> jimmy: oh, he thought was a lock? >> yeah, 'cause i came out of nowhere at the last second, quite literally. >> jimmy: you can't beat taylor kitsch. >> no. >> jimmy: come on, man. someone's gonna try to knock you
down before you even stand up? so, what happened? >> so pete and i improv'd for 30 minutes. and i'm going back and forth, and he's doing this interview, and basically, i was -- he loves it if you're creative and you come back at him as well. he'll try and stump you, and that's a great process to have. he keeps you in character. and, so, we do it for 30 minutes, and we go back into, basically, this executive room of, like, 15 to 20 execs. and i'm sitting in this hot seat. and i go into this monologue, but before the monologue starts, he goes, "well, i want to read with him. i want to be jason street in the scene." and i'm like, okay. and i have, like, this long monologue, and i'm going mid-sentence, he interrupts me, which wasn't on the page. and i stop, and i say, "would you shut the -- up and let me finish my story." in character, though. in character. >> jimmy: yeah. very riggs, man. that's exactly what he would do. >> he has to. >> jimmy: so you got the part right there? >> not really. >> jimmy: yeah. he said, "please don't use the 'f' word in this room." >> right, so get out. so, you know, long story short, i walked in.
i didn't think i got it, to be blunt. and while walking back into my hotel room, the phone rang, and that was it. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. and then you killed it. [ cheers and applause ] you killed it on the show. you're fantastic. and now you're doing these big giant action movies. "battleship," i mean, it's a big movie. >> it's just under -- just came in under $1 million. >> jimmy: it's not an indie. no, it did not. it's explosions and giant things. look at this thing. shredder? >> the shredders, yeah. >> jimmy: this is like a giant nose hair clipper right there, and it attacks -- >> pete and i, actually, we're very dear friends, and we try and one-up each other, literally, on everything. and from suits, to premieres, to food, to push-up contests, anything you can think of. and he goes, just subtly, he's, like, "how you getting to the premiere?" and i go, "i don't know, pete. a car?" and he's like, "oh." i'm like, wait. he puts this lure out, so i'm, like, inevitably, i'm, like, "how are you getting to the
premiere, pete?" he goes, "oh, i'm gonna come in a shredder." so, basically -- >> jimmy: he arrived in this thing? >> he came in on the shredder. >> jimmy: oh, my god. should have hopped on the space shuttle when it was flying around on that plane. that would have been rad. now, you're in this movie, and rihanna is in this movie as well. >> yes, she is. >> jimmy: rihanna -- how was she to work with? she's cool. >> she was great. very sweet. and i think it really boils down to just, you know, if you've done 60 movies or if it's your first, a main thing is to come open to the process on any set. and she was very open to pete's process, which is very giving, a lot of improv, and he just really kind of creates the borderless set, and she really works within that. >> jimmy: and she saves your life, like, five times in this movie. [ laughter ] she's the big hero of this movie. i mean, yeah. you're kind of worthless at certain points. >> i am worthless. >> jimmy: she kind of comes in like, "oh, just let me handle this." >> yeah. she is the gunner. yeah. >> jimmy: and goes for it. >> she's not screwing around. >> jimmy: she's not screwing around at all. i want to show everyone a clip of taylor kitsch and rihanna in
"battleship." ♪ [ grunts ] >> you better be there. ♪ ♪ >> mahalo mother -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there you go. that was sick. mahalo. it looks fun, man. looks great. it's already a giant hit. congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: taylor kitsch and i about to have a jelly donut shootout. it's gonna be ugly. see you after the break! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: hey, everybody. i am back with my man taylor kitsch, right here! [ cheers and applause ] he's stars along with liam neeson, brooklyn decker, and rihanna in the big summer action movie "battleship," opening this friday, may 18th. taylor and i are about to have a jelly doughnut shoot out. >> yeah, we are. >> jimmy: and it works like this. this is serious stuff. >> i'm dead pan. >> jimmy: i know, i know, me too. one at a time -- [ laughter ] i'm gonna shoot a half a dozen jelly donuts at taylor and we're gonna keep track of any goals, possible. if i make any. then we're gonna switch and taylor will shoot his six jelly donuts at me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] filled with jelly. you get set up buddy. you let me know when you're ready for the madness to start.
[ laughter ] >> we ready? ♪ >> jimmy: yeah. [ audience ohs ] oh! rude! way to stick one of my jelly donuts out there. here we go. >> whoa! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: right there. okay, thank you, thank you. i just want to apologize -- i'm from brooklyn, everybody. i'm sorry. here we go. >> oh, all right! >> jimmy: yeah. made you drop your stick. that second shot was embarrassing.
yes! yes! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] yes! how many did i have left? here we go. that's what i'm talking about. oh, come on. all right, i can do it. i've got a little -- [ cheers ] >> whoa! >> jimmy: no? no? one more. uno. >> one more. >> jimmy: listen to that -- that was pretty awesome. ah! all right, good man. very, very good. so, 1-0. >> 1-0. >> jimmy: 1-0, buddy. go ahead. >> not screwing around. >> jimmy: shooting jelly donuts, yeah. of course, we have oven mitts. we couldn't afford hockey gloves? >> you want a stick?
are you ready? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: no, no. all right. >> what is it, 1-1? >> jimmy: you got one. it's tied game. >> is it 1-1, last shot? >> jimmy: for the win, brother. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> woo! woo! [ cheers and applause ] so good. >> jimmy: don't miss taylor kitsch, in "battleship," in theaters this friday, may 18th. tony hale joins us next. stick around! you got some good shots on me. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: welcome. tony hale, thank you for coming on the show, my man. >> dude, you got pelted with those donuts. >> jimmy: i got hit pretty -- i didn't know how hard you could hit a donut at somebody. he showed me, yeah, pretty quick. >> that was intense. you guys had the gear to guard from jelly donuts. a nice shield. >> jimmy: you had to have a nice shield, yeah. well, you saw where mine ended up. i mean, this is -- >> oh, is that it? >> jimmy: yeah, that's it there. yeah. the wages of war. >> you did well, though. you did well. >> jimmy: no, yeah. it was tough. but tony, you're here. >> i am. >> jimmy: i've got to say i love your wife, martel. i know her from "saturday night live" days. >> she's the best. >> jimmy: she's the greatest. she travels with you all the time? >> she does -- which is great. she makes me nervous, though. right before i come on, she goes, "watch your posture!" [ light laughter ] so i'm a little bit, like,
fidgety, and i got to watch, 'cause i'm being watched. >> jimmy: you have problems with your posture? >> yeah, apparently to my family. [ laughter ] my sister, though, she called me. she lives in raleigh, north carolina. kim. and remember she called -- hey. >> jimmy: you can't mention locations tonight. everyone just claps for anything. >> poughkeepsie. [ cheers and applause ] no, she called me about a year ago. and i guess she had seen this picture of me online. and i was taking really intensely to somebody. and she called me and she said, "anthony," -- she calls me anthony. and she says, "i don't want to hurt your feelings. you've got to watch your posture, but i don't want to hurt your feelings, but you look like a buzzard." [ laughter ] and then i was, like, "come on, a buzzard? what are you talking about?" then i saw the photo. she's right. >> jimmy: what do you mean? what are you talking about? >> no, i'm serious. 'cause i was talking, my back, i was really intense. and then i got this, like, big nose, and i'm bald. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you did not look like a buzzard. >> yeah, yeah. buzzard. [ applause ] >> jimmy: no, you're a good-looking buzzard. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: you grew up in a military family, right?
>> i did, i did. hey! [ cheers ] >> jimmy: your dad was over in west point? >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] it's out of control. >> jimmy: it's out of control, yeah, yeah. >> he taught nuclear physics at west point. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. [ applause ] he's an incredibly smart, very serious guy. but he's kind of -- you know, my grandfather was an opera singer. so when we would carpool, he also had a funny side. when we would carpool, my dad would be driving, and he would sing along to pop music, but doing it like opera. so, like, say it was, like, a britney spears song. i'm not kidding. he'd be driving, he'd go -- ♪ hit me baby one more time ♪ [ laughter ] not kidding. >> jimmy: for real? >> i'm not kidding. i would be in the back, just like -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> really? >> jimmy: you're gonna do this whole trip? [ singing operetta ] ♪ hit me baby one more time ♪ >> jimmy: the only song he would sing is --
♪ i'm sexy and i know it ♪ >> little minor key. [ harmonizing ] >> jimmy: how about you as a dad? are you a serious dad? >> ah, yeah. i'm not really that serious, but there are certain things i get anxious about. this is what i get anxious about. kids movies, all right? now, this is one of the most recent movies that she's into, okay? and let me just give you the quick plot line, okay? a little hint, it's about a girl with abnormally long hair, okay? she loves this movie, and she sings all the songs. let me just give you the plot, okay? a witch kidnaps a baby from the baby's parents' castle in the middle of a night through a window. yeah. [ laughter ] no, it gets better. >> jimmy: i think i know this movie. >> yeah. then, for 18 years puts her in solitary confinement in a tree house, okay? no, no.
all she can do is, like, you know, paint walls. okay? now, of course, she you know, reunites with her parents and they live happily ever after. as parent, i'm serious, as a parent watching this, all i can think is well, let the therapy begin. >> jimmy: those crazy -- tricky plots. >> there's a lot of baggage there. >> jimmy: a tricky plot. how about these guys? [ cheers and applause ] "arrested development." [ applause ] what a cast, right there. >> good people. >> jimmy: good people. funny human beings. you guys are filming ten more episodes? >> yeah. we're doing ten brand new episodes. [ applause ] applause for everything. >> jimmy: it's gonna be on netflix? >> yeah, it's gonna be on netflix, and we're shooting them this summer. and it's just gonna be -- >> jimmy: gonna be a blast. tony -- >> jimmy? >> jimmy: tony. >> pretty stoked, but it's gonna be, i'm really, really excited. just excited to get together with everybody and do that. >> jimmy: do you know what the plot lines or anything's gonna
be? >> no clue. however, so much has happened in my character's life in two and a half years of that show. my hand was bit off by a seal. [ laughter ] i dated liza minnelli. that was my girlfriend. >> jimmy: that's correct, i do remember this. >> and so i can't imagine. >> jimmy: right. your hand was bit off by a seal. >> typical story line. but i can't imagine what's happened in six years. >> jimmy: well congrats on "veep," by the way. >> thank you. >> jimmy: this is the big hit on hbo. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah, i'm excited. >> jimmy: julia-louis dreyfus. she's just the coolest. >> she is the coolest -- >> jimmy: no, i've met her a couple of times. she's just great. >> but how good is she on the show? she is fantastic. >> jimmy: she's killer. and you play -- what is the name of your -- >> the body man. >> jimmy: the body man? tony. [ cheers ] of course, you play the body man, yeah. but a body man does what? the body man -- >> i carry around kind of a large bag. and whatever she needs, i got in my bag. like shoes, kleenex, tic tacs. >> jimmy: anything. xanax, staplers. >> she plays the vice president of the united states. >> jimmy: vice president, but you're also the one who whispers in the vice president's ears like -- [ whispering ] like that. >> exactly.
>> jimmy: you got hit by jelly donuts -- >> but my character has -- just knows really crazy factoids about people. like, he doesn't know anything about politics, but he knows like, "by the way this guy's gotta a brother in rage against the machine." something that's just kind of random. >> jimmy: like a human wikipedia. >> yeah, he is. he's a walking wikipedia. >> jimmy: we have a clip of tony hale in "veep." take a look. >> gary? >> jonah. >> are you here to steal the incorrectly signed card, gary? >> come on, no. >> this looks really bad. >> it's not bad. >> gary, i'm a friend of yours. >> i don't think you are. at all. >> i'm just kidding. gary, listen up. okay? i'm gonna give you the card, all right? >> all right. to be honest, i would have looked at it. >> yeah. >> thank you. >> it's really -- i'm sorry. >> let's just get to the bad part. get to the bad part because i know you got one. i don't like tension.
i got acid reflux, let's get to the bad part. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tony hale, you guys! "veep" airs sunday nights 10:00 p.m. on hbo. up next, standup from joe machi. see you after the break, he's really funny. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] knowing your customers is important to any successful business. which is why at wells fargo, we work with you to get to know the unique aspects of your business. we can recommend financial solutions that can work for you that have helped millions of business owners save time, reduce expenses, and maximize cash flow. as the number one small business lender for nine years running... we're with you when you need us. so you can be there for your customers. wells fargo. together we'll go far. with smooth caramel and chocolate.
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>> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny comedian who is a regular at the comic strip and standup, new york where he'll be performing may 18th. he's making his tv debut with us tonight. give it up for joe machi, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> hey, everybody, how are ya? [ applause ] hey, i was reading this article. 10 bands to see before you die. why put it in terms of me dying? why not 10 bands that are really good? [ laughter ] or 10 bands to see before someone in the band dies? [ light laughter ] i don't want my doctor saying to me, "joe, you've got a month to live, but the good news is, nickelback is coming to the palladium!" [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ]
it's a weird situation we have. iran keeps trying to goad us into a war. we took over the country to their left, iraq. we took over the country to their right, afghanistan. it's like no one in that military has ever played "risk" before. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] and maybe iran has one nuclear weapon. america has so many nuclear weapons, that over the years, we've lost eight of them in the ocean. [ light laughter ] do you know how hard it to lose eight of anything? [ laughter ] i can't even lose one virginity. [ laughter and applause ] you don't have to clap for that. [ light laughter ] my very best friend is gay and i could never know how difficult that can be, except for when he told me i could never know how hard it is telling your parents you are gay. i'm like, "you don't have to be
gay to tell your parents you are gay." [ laughter ] so i told my parents i was gay. [ laughter ] then i told my gay friend, "you'll never know what it's like telling your parents you are gay then telling them you are not really gay." [ laughter ] then your dad's like, "i think you were right the first time." [ laughter and applause ] folks, this isn't a put-on. this isn't fake. i actually do -- actually speak this way. ah -- [ laughter ] last week a guy at my gym said i look and sound like a cartoon. i responded, "i want to bang your sister!" [ laughter ] ever hear buzz lightyear say that? [ laughter ] my neighbor and i were discussing gun control.
he said, "i bet if you ask the founding fathers what they thought about gun control, they wouldn't like it." and i responded, "i bet if you asked the founding fathers what they thought about gun control they'd respond, what's this i hear about women voting?" [ laughter ] and who's that in the white house? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] is that one of thomas jefferson's kids? [ audience ohs ] my girlfriend dumped me recently. [ audience aws ] thank you. we got into a discussion over what we would buy each other if we won the lottery. she's like, "if i won the lottery i would at least buy you a really nice car." i'm like, "hmm, if i won the lottery, i wouldn't even tell you." [ laughter ]
you should never get behind the wheel after drinking, and they have ads that say, "friends don't let friends drive drunk," but they never say, friends don't let enemies drive drunk. like recently i was at this party and this guy who's always been a real jerk to me was about to drive home drunk. as i tried to stop him, he shouted, "what do you want, loser?" and i'm like, "i bet you can't make it home in five minutes!" [ laughter and applause ] i'm kidding. i did the right thing and put him in a cab and took his wallet. [ laughter ] it's weird how people compare other people to hitler. people compare obama to hitler. people compare bush to hitler. that's ridiculous. hitler was a much better public speaker. [ laughter ] hitler convinced millions of people that blond-haired people
are superior when he had brown hair! [ laughter and applause ] it's also weird that the republicans will compare the democrats to nazis. and the democrats will compare republicans to nazis. i don't think that's fair to the nazis. [ laughter ] because they got stuff done. [ audience ohs ] i'm just saying. if hitler wanted us to have health care, we would have health care! thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: joe machi, everybody! we'll be right back, everybody. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪